Month One Reflections

At least once a week J will ask me one of the follow questions:

"How are you doing?"

"How are you feeling?"

"Are you happy?"

"Do you like being in Riyadh?”

It’s sweet he asks. He knows this has been a sacrifice. I think we’ve acclimated quite well. We've got a good crew of people we hang out with. The Gents have made us quite popular here so we’re always interacting with people when we’re out. After our workout and dinner, we eat Oreos or chocolate and just talk. It's nice. And my writing helps, making me reflect and appreciate things.

For me, to a degree, this is a humbling experience. J jokes that most places we go I’m the expert because I’ve traveled quite a bit, but this is the first time where he’s much more knowledgeable. I’m not working yet so I have to depend on him for money. I have to rely on someone to drive me, everywhere. I have to be covered when I leave the DQ. My rights are different and I’m expected to conduct myself a certain way. And I don't speak Arabic.

I think back to our arrival. As we were preparing to land in Riyadh I got my abaya out of my carry-on. Yes, women have to wear it entering the country. Fortunately one of our friends, who’s been to Riyadh a number of times, gifted me one when we found out that J was being assigned here. J had asked me about it several times during the pack out and trip.

"You didn’t pack your abaya in UAB or HHE, right?"

While living at the hotel, “Is your abaya is here?"

Packing my carry-on, "You have your abaya in your bag?"

On the plane from Frankfurt, “Where is your abaya?”

I’m not exaggerating. I suppose it’s nice that someone is looking out for me, even if it sometimes makes me feel like an irresponsible teenager.

I step off the plane, draped in my abaya, hair covered with my hijab as well. Even though J told me I didn’t have to wear the hijab, I thought it was the culturally appropriate thing to do. It was kind of weird though. I felt like I was wearing a culturally insensitive costume. Steps off the jetway, he asks me if I’m OK. He must have sensed what I was feeling. I replied “Yep” even though I just wanted to get out of the airport and get get to our new home.

We were greeted by one of the many lovely drivers from the US embassy. A gentleman of smaller height and thin frame, with a wide welcoming smile, dressed in a nice blue suit and tie. It was 21:45 and hot so I was impressed that he was dressed so well at that time of day. Awkwardly, I didn’t know what to do and took his lead. He addressed me with a kind hello and head nod. When we entered the diplomatic customs line I could feel the eyes drawing in on me, from custom officers and military. I diverted my eyes to the boys and J, then to other women, observing what they were wearing or how they were interacting.

After making it through customs, one of J’s colleagues met us at baggage. He is the epitome of IDGAF, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. Men are expected to wear long pants in public. He greets me with a firm handshake. We chat about the trip, Wally, the boys, his experience in Riyadh, where else he's lived. It was nice to have another American man around who I didn’t have to think twice about my interactions.

This juxtaposition of interactions and observations in the few minutes after arriving is basically what everyday is like here. We are fortunate to live on the DQ, literally next door to our fellow Americans, and have a number of familiar conveniences readily available to us. I walk Wally in shorts and a t-shirt and will wear a bikini at the Embassy pool without a care. But as soon as we pull off the DQ, I’m in another world where I have to think about my actions and make sure I’m covered. As much as I don't like wearing an abaya, I appreciate having the balance though. If we never left the DQ it would be a really boring and sheltered experience here. Why would someone go to the other side of the world for that??

So to go back to J’s questions – yes, generally speaking, I’m good and I’m happy. That answer often comes with caveats though, giving context to whatever I might be feeling that day. I've been warned that people go through all sorts of mood stages while at posts and at six months I may hit the low. Something to watch out for. I know I'm fortunate to have the time to reflect and really lucky I have a husband who is kind enough to ask, talk with me and is always looking out for me.

Riyadh: Week Four

Happy Independence Day! This week has been a lot of fun, even though I’ve spent most of my time on the DQ, we’ve been out mingling a lot. There was a progressive dinner party over the weekend and an early 4th of July BBQ last night. We even took C&R to their first kiddie pool party. It’s definitely felt more like being back in the US. One day we went to a neighbors’ house to play bags while he smoked meat. If it wasn’t for the 110 degree heat, the setting could have passed for a regular weekend in the country in Michigan. I can see how people can get very comfortable with just staying on the DQ and not venturing out into Riyadh. Will have to be mindful of this so that we don’t become insular. Maybe I’ll have to create a weekly goal of trying something new.

Every week I’ve been setting personal goals for myself. Since I’m not working and we have a full-time, live-in nanny I don’t have any excuses now! I started this blog, I’ve been cooking (admittedly that was more forced because of Ramadan), we’re getting out and being social with the Embassy community, J and I even went out on a couple dates to explore some restaurants and different areas of Riyadh. Now it’s time to get started on what I’ve been putting off so long, taking better care of myself and working out.

As I’ve shared, the last 17 months have been a struggle. Being a new mother to a single child is difficult enough. So many people ask, “How do you do it with twins?!” I get why people ask it, we get a lot of questions about having twins, but it really is a silly question. We just put our heads down and barrel though, doing whatever needs to get done. Then when you add in going back to work, trying to be a high achieving person, and carving out time for our marriage – something, ultimately, had to give. And what I sacrificed was myself. Which is why I landed myself smack in the middle of an anxiety-ridden mess. And to be fair, J sacrificed himself, too. We used to workout together 4-5 times/week before the Gents arrived. He got crazy busy at work and the overnights with the boys were sometimes rough, so by the time he got home in the evening, decompressing with his phone became his solace.  Workouts got de-prioritized for both of us.

A recurring thing I hear and read is, especially as a mother, you need to take of yourself before you can take care of others. It’s so true, but it’s NOT easy. Not everyone has the luxury of family or friends nearby to lend a hand, let alone a nanny to help care for their children. Even with having a nanny soon after C&R came home from the hospital, I struggled just to get to the gym in our building. There was always something to do around the house. And let’s be honest, sometimes a nap or mindless TV is so much more appealing than a toned body. And now, even though our nanny lives with us we give her the weekends off, I know I’m just not going to get any “me time” on Friday and Saturday.

Putting myself first has always been struggle for me. Even before being a mother I always put work and others ahead of myself. I used to get up early to make J his breakfast and prepare these beautiful salads with homemade dressing for him to take to work. Poor thing. I know he misses that now. I think most women are very nurturing and want to take care of other people. When I had children I felt an even greater responsibility to prioritize the boys. And I didn’t do a great job of keeping the boundaries I set with work. I think it’s Catholic guilt. I just always feel like I can be doing more or working harder…for other people.

So changing habits at 40 (!) years old will be a slow transition for me, but at least I’ve been working on it the last few weeks. It’s kind of ridiculous that I had to be unemployed in order to start making the necessary changes. Everything happens for a reason though, so I’m taking advantage of it. The big part of our time in Riyadh has just been getting my day-to-day routine down. I don’t want to fill my days with too much that I can’t realistically sustain because I will be working eventually.

I’ve got a whole morning routine that I will spare you the details of, but basically it’s hydrating, skincare, eating, taking care of Wally, spending time with the boys, and finally a stretching/yoga sequence. I stretched every morning up until my belly got too big during my pregnancy. And of course I stopped. Now that I’m getting older, carrying two toddlers around daily is wearing my body down. I just ache all of the time. The stretching is so important and makes me feel loads better. Plus, I incentivized myself – I told myself I can’t start writing until I get through the sequence.

Now on to what I thought was going to be the hard part, which actually became really easy for us. We got blessed with neighbors who do crossfit/HIIT/tabata workouts about four days a week at their house! While our nanny gives the boys dinner and gets them settled in for the evening, J and I get a punishing workout in, together. It’s perfect. Now I just need to supplement the other days with some of body weight workouts, which means I need to work on freeing up some weekend time.

What I’m hoping to achieve during this unemployment stint is that I establish better habits to prioritize what I need, mentally and physically. I know I should ask for help when I need it from J and delegate some tasks to our nanny. Will also have to set some boundaries when I get back to work, but I’ll get to that when the time is appropriate. For now, I’ve got some work to do here that’s keeping me busy.

Riyadh: Week Three

Our UAB arrived! I have no idea what that acronym means, but it's a smaller portion of our personal items that were shipped via air freight. The rest of our things (HHE) are coming on a very slow boat, to arrive in a few months. It's only supposed to take two weeks for the UAB to arrive, but we were warned that it could take a couple months for it to get to us as there are limited working hours during Ramadan and Eid. I like to think it's a Ramadan miracle that we have it already!

When packing the UAB we had to make some tough choices, if I remember correctly we're only allowed 650 lbs. We intentionally packed a decent amount of clothes and ALL of the Gents' day-to-day items in suitcases to get us by until the HHE arrives so to not waste space in the UAB. What couldn't we live without for a few months time? Barware (not kidding), most of our kitchen, stereo and vinyl (of course), the gents Bumbo seats and most of their toys.  

Our villa was supplied with a "welcome kit", the home basics needed to get by until we went shopping or waited for things to arrive. I appreciate having the welcome kit, but it's so nice having our things to make it feel more like OUR home. I had been told that we would want bring a good amount of home effects. At first I was like, "It's all going into storage". I did't want to worry about things getting damaged in the shipments. Good thing J talked me out of that. Having familiar things in a foreign country makes a huge difference. 

I know these things are just possessions, and if we lost them our lives would most certainly go on. As I arranged our kitchen, J fine tuned the stereo and played one of my favorite Phoenix albums on the turntable, the gents lilting laughs and twin speak filled in the rest of space as they played with their toys they hadn't seen in a month, and my heart felt so full that it brought tears to my eyes. Now this felt like home. 

It's been an eventful month and a rollercoaster of emotions, which probably got the best of me in that moment. It's a moment like this in life when I'm thankful to have some awareness and realize it doesn't matter where we're living. Our home is what we make it. And in I'm super grateful for the technology available to us that makes the distance from family and friends (about 7,000 miles) seem much less than it really is!

Riyadh: Week One

Let me start this by fully admitting I had REALLY low expectations of Riyadh long before we arrived. I lived in London, which I highly romanticized, and even that was a tough cultural adjustment. I don’t know what I would have done without my dear friend Sophia while living there!

This is not only the heart of the Middle East, but one of the most conservative cities in Saudi Arabia. And I haven’t even mentioned the heat yet or the challenge of being able to communicate with my family and friends who I have leaned on the last three years while living in Virginia.

My first experience out of the villa and on the DQ (Diplomatic Quarter) was to get photos taken for IDs, the morning after we arrived. J suggested that I bring my abaya. Diplomats technically don’t have to wear it, but depending on the area where there may be more locals one may just feel more comfortable with an abaya. And good thing I brought it. Much like my initial feeling at Customs, I could feel the eyes on me even wearing my abaya. And it was the same when we went to Tamimi, the KSA version of Safeway, later that afternoon for our first grocery run. I quickly adjusted my mindset. I think it’s just a general curiosity people have. Not any different when we see a women covered from head to toe in the US. I had to keep that in perspective.

The following evening, things took a real positive upswing when we went to Steak Night at the US Embassy.  Knowing KSA is a tougher place for Westerners to acclimate to, the support staff here does a great job of taking care of people. There are always social events, centered around food, for people to attend. Maybe it was because I was really hungry, but that medium rare steak and baked potato was the best comfort food I could have had 48 hours upon arrival.

That evening and weekend, I met a number of families who lived and raised their kids around the world. I was introduced to the sweetest, most polite, and intelligent children. These are fun loving kids and mature tweens who can already speak other languages.

I met mothers with young children who invited me and the gents to their playdate circles. I quickly was in contact with one mother as she invited me out nearly everyday to some get-together. I see why people make the extra effort to go out of their way to make others feel included. They have been in the same position as me and starting new in a foreign country without your crew is hard. 

There is definitely quite a bit of sacrifice that goes into this life, but I get why people choose it as there are so many positives. And although I always thought we’d immediately come back to D.C. in two years, I’m certainly becoming more open to thought of seeing where else this post might lead us.