Recently as I laid in savasana I suddenly had a wave of sadness wash over me. What meaning does my life have? What purpose do I have? What am I doing with this life? It was overwhelming, and dark. Immediately I understood where self-harming thoughts can come from. As much as I didn’t like being in that headspace, it got me REALLY reflecting and thinking about 2022.
Living my best life in one of our favorite places - Epernay, France (October 2022)
My goals for 2022 were simple and tangible, so I thought - get a job, write and continue building my yoga practice - BE A CREATOR.
2022 was probably my toughest and least productive year. Yes, we had a fabulous year of travel and adventure across seven countries, making so many beautiful memories as family! I still struggled though. From the start, every month something happened - us all getting Covid, birthdays, school breaks with incredible but exhausting travel, another wave of sickness, ballet and soccer, prepping for interviews and taking interviews for jobs that never transpired. I’ve never had a job interview and not been hired immediately. The whole process has been a blow to my ego. And Wally’s sudden passing was the biggest blow, putting me in the longest of all funks. It still makes me cry. Oh and then there’s the residual affects of Covid, leaving me with various inner ear problems. What I set out to accomplish at the start quickly pulled further from my grasp.
By the time summer arrived I gave up on writing and teaching yoga completely. I succumbed to doing online yoga practices rather than creating my own. Most days I didn’t even realize the struggle as I kept my head down, pushing through my day-to-day responsibilities of taking care of my family. Thankfully the kids are all doing awesome and are such sweet human beings. And they have afforded me some creative outlets, albeit different media such as Legos and Crayolas.
For anyone who follows us, it’s looks like an idyllic European life, and it is! I’m so grateful we’re here, living it. A big part of me never wants to leave. But often, under the surface, a lot people are dealing with something. I’m no stranger to sharing my struggles. Sometimes sharing the struggle is the cathartic exercise that’s needed. Other times it’s to let others know that they’re not alone. We all struggle in one way or another. So that’s where I’ve been this year and why I’m writing this now.
Laying on my mat, questioning my existence is what I needed. In addition to being a wife and mother, I am a creative person who needs constant creative outlets and to produce something so I can share that creativity, giving back the gifts the universe has blessed upon me. As awesome as the kiddos are all doing, I shouldn’t feel guilty that being a SAHM doesn’t entirely fulfill me and I can’t forget to fill my soul with what it needs.
Who knows if 2023 will bring me the job I’ve been praying for? But I have faith that God and the universe is holding on to something special for me, waiting for the right time to present itself. In the meantime I’m continuing to have a blast with my family as a lot more travel awaits us, but cultivating my creativity and perusing my passions are just as important. As partners and parents we always hear about being present for the people in our lives, but what about being present for ourselves? Well here I am, back at it, writing and rebuilding my yoga practice, being present for me. Who knows? Maybe some other passion will be (re)ignited this year. In the meantime, thanks so much for stopping by. I wish you a wonderful year to come and hope you find your way back here soon. xo